Meijer Chocolate Fudge Pastry Treats (Meijer)

A box of Meijer Chocolate Fudge Pastry Treats, sitting on a Meijer shelf with its brethren
Either Kroger's got me on a really good day, or these got me on a bad one. Or both. Or neither.

We took a look at Kroger’s version a couple of months ago, and that was actually when I first realized, at the ripe old age of 36, that I do not dislike chocolate flavored toaster pastries. That’s right: I never really had them as a kid, instead mostly sticking to the fruit flavors, and always just assumed that they would be gross. They weren’t, and now here we are again with another private label version, this time in the form of Meijer’s.

This one gets some good marks for texture: the brown-colored pastry—which seems to pack a slight amount of cocoa flavor, thus giving it some slight redeeming value over the bland “regular” flavored one—is very soft, almost giving the appearance of a freshly-baked product. We obviously know it’s not, but it’s appealing nonetheless. The hardened icing stretches mostly from one side of the pastry to the other, although I feel like there’s always a section of pastry that goes untouched…and it’s usually in one of the corners, where there’s also no filling, sometimes leading to dry bites of nothingness if you don’t properly plan the eating of your pastry (to be fair, though, that’s also an issue I’ve noticed in the name brand, so it’s not just limited to this one). Meanwhile, it’s topped off by the random bits of white shit on top that must be what, powdered sugar? Sugar crystals? I don’t get the point of them, but they’re in every fudge version, so whatever.

Flavorwise, it’s…decent, I suppose. I seem to remember at least more of an actual “cocoa” flavor in Kroger’s brand—here, the flavor is a straight ahead fake-as-hell chocolate that’s really not all that enjoyable. Actually, the more I taste it, the filling is kind of reminiscent of brownie batter, but with all of the best qualities removed; instead of the richness of actual batter, you get what’s essentially a brownie batter paste, which is about as appealing as it sounds. It's just a real cheapy, artificial cocoa that's high on sugar, but low on virtually everything else.

The icing on top delivers the usual bit of added sweetness, and an additional helping of artificial chocolate flavor, while those dumbass white things just sit there like idiots and really do nothing, except give the pastry a hint of white privilege. I was reminded of the chocolate inside the s’mores toaster tarts, which made me nauseous the last time I tried them; true to form, downing both pastries became tougher and tougher the farther I went along (my hunger won out, though; I was able to finish them).

Were the Kroger pastries really that much better, or did I just approach these on a bad day (or, alternatively, the Kroger ones on a good one)? I may never know, but these have kind of soured me on the whole idea of chocolate toaster tarts once again, ruining my short-lived acceptance of them, and reminded me why I veered away from them my whole childhood.

Overall: 4/10. These just did not sit well with me: the chocolate is incredibly fakey, reminding me of the same “chocolate” flavor inside the s’mores toaster tarts, and the cloying sweetness (and my general disinterest) seemed to grow with each passing bite. That’s somewhat of a shame, because the texture is pretty much on par with the national brand, but the taste lets it all down. Is Kroger’s version of this (which I actually liked) that much better, or did I just get these on a bad day (or theirs on a good one)? We may never know the answer, but as it stands, I’m not really too keen on eating these ever again.

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