Wednesday, September 30, 2020

Millville Frosted S'mores Toaster Tarts (Aldi)

How did I ever like these?
 

I mentioned in a previous “toaster tart” review (from a store brand competitor) that, as a kid, I never got into the chocolate flavors of the popular breakfast “pastry”; the only kind I ever remember trying is the standard strawberry, though I might have switched up fruits every now and again. They just never really appealed to me to begin with, which works out well because my mom also never bought them for me.

So it was as an adult several years that I first tried s’mores pop tarts, and fell in love with their addictingly sweet flavor. Here, as seems to be the norm, I got them more in an attempt to get our three-year-old son to eat more food (and, in my defense, he did specifically choose these out of all the other flavor options we presented him), but I also figured I could take a trip down short-term memory lane by helping myself to a package or two. Or the whole box if he didn’t like them.

I really don’t know what it was that lead me to exclaim this as my favorite toaster tart flavor just a few short years ago, but much of that luster seems to have died down now upon this revisiting, the first time in at least two years that I believe I’ve had them. This isn’t at all even close to the taste of actual s’mores, which somehow manage to be one of my favorite things in life; it also isn’t even close to how I remember them tasting. Holy shit I think I’m going to be sick.

The whole thing is a mess from the outset, but I think the most egregious offense is that the pastry itself tastes nothing like a graham cracker. That alone makes everything that comes after it just feel like a scam. I think maybe it’s trying to, as it does appear to be a darker shade of brown than other flavors, and maybe slightly sweeter, but it just does a terrible job of “carrying” the filling, which is so sickeningly sweet that I can barely finish the damn thing. Honestly, how did I go crazy for these just a few short years ago? I honestly expected this to be a glowing review, and instead I’m throwing the last couple bites in the trash and my stomach hurts from getting berated with an indecipherable, sugary mess for the last few minutes. It’s disgusting.

The chocolate is okay, but honestly doesn’t even taste close to any of the chocolate bars it’s supposedly trying to emulate. I mean, it doesn’t even taste like a poor, dollar store imitation…it’s just a rather non-descript, uninteresting chocolate that would taste like garbage in anything. It’s sad, but I’d have to say the best thing in here is the marshmallow, which is easily my least favorite part of a s’more. And when you make something where marshmallow is the best thing in it, you know you’ve completely failed.

Overall: 2.5/10. I used to really like these? And not even as a kid, but about five years ago?! Oh my, how things change. This is pretty awful, with a sickeningly sweet center and a pastry exterior that doesn’t even come close to emulating the simple brilliance of a graham cracker. The chocolate is non-descript and tastes nothing like any kind of chocolate bar I’ve ever had—really, this is so far away from what I expect out of a s’more that we’re headed into “defamation” territory here. It all adds up to a sickeningly sweet mess of a failure that’s completely the opposite of what I was planning to say when sitting down to write this review. What a curveball you’ve thrown at me, Life!

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