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| Ingredients: apples, wood chips, dirt. |
I’m going to go ahead and warn people
now: take this review with a grain of salt. I always like to do that
at the beginning of reviews for products that I’m not typically
into, whether I enjoy it or not, just to warn people that it’s not
something I would typically eat. In the case of Elevation’s Apple
Pie bar, I don't think I ever would have tried it if my wife didn't
pick it up to have on hand as a healthy snack...and then promptly
forgot about them. It was during one of my frequent early morning
scrambles—where I was desperately looking for a snack to get me
through the work day—that I laid eyes on it, and decided to give it
a try.
Well, I certainly don't have any doubts
that these are vegan, like the packaging states: it looks like little
bits of apple crushed up into a rectangle made of dirt. I'll admit
that I don’t typically like these kinds of bars, and appearances
like this don’t help: I'm already hesitant to want to eat the
thing, so the least these companies could do is trick me into
wanting to eat it. And dirt apple bars just ain't doing it for me.
Taking it a step further, even the
aroma is off-putting: it smells kinda like a car tire made of apples.
There are some notes of a rubbery material, mixed in with a dash of
apple sweetness…let’s just say it’s about as appealing as it
sounds. Between that and the appearance, I wanted to eat it less than
I initially did, and I already didn’t want to eat it at all. But
hey, only one thing matters, right? The taste, and I'm sure that...
...oh God, how do people even eat
these? This is going to be a slow slog, and I’m literally only one
bite in. It’s like my body is rejecting it…it's just sitting in
my mouth, while my brain is firing off the same signals you'd get if
you put, say, a penny in your mouth. It’s very grainy, for one, and
while I can taste the apples, they are just a very small consolation
for everything that surrounds it. The “rubbery” parts in the
scent have a taste resembling prunes, while the oats chime in by
adding a texture akin to chewing on wood chips.
The second bite doesn't get any easier:
I feel like I'm a guinea pig in a twisted science experiment to test
the limits of what constitutes “eating healthy”. And that second
bite turns out to be my limit, as I throw in the towel, pitching the
rest of the bar in the trash—something that I think is actually a
first for me. No matter how disgusted I am by something, I can
usually at least force it down, but it's like this combination of
ingredients is just a perfect storm for my brain, which is
desperately urging me to spit it out and throw it away. No way I can
eat this thing in its entirety; if you can, congratulations: you’re
probably healthy!
You gotta draw
the line somewhere, and this represents something that's solidly on
the other side of that line; that line constituting how far I would
go to eat something “healthy”. This just tastes like garbage, with a
flavor that doesn’t even resemble real food. It's like the ingredients were sourced from the dumpster of a vegan grocery store and recycled into bars.
Next time I want something "pure and simple", I’ll just cut up some apples, mix it in with some tree
bark, and then “glue” it all together with some mud; maybe I'll
add some leaves or some shit for a change in texture to offset the
bark. I mean, why not? That would be even more all natural, easy to
source, taste pretty much the same, and really save me some money!
Money to the tune of $4.19 (for five 1.6 oz. bars), which is probably
a good deal compared to the national brand, but not a good deal in
the way that it’s revolting and virtually inedible.
Now, in this political climate, I feel the sudden need to remind everyone that this is obviously just my opinion: I'm not slagging on anyone that personally enjoys these; in fact, part of me is a little bit jealous. I wish I had the stomach for things like this to help me pull away from my largely unhealthy diet and lifestyle (although I don't think it's as bad as my reviews might make it seem; I'm at least active thanks to my work and our son). So if you enjoy these bars, feel free to provide a counterpoint in the comments, but don't take this as any sort of personal attack on your lifestyle or eating habits.
Overall: 1/10. I know there’s a
market for these, and I’m sure the price is great compared to the
national brands, but come on: you have to draw the line somewhere in
life, and I think this is where I personally draw the line for
“healthy” bars. These are gross. Like, so gross that I can’t
even force myself to finish one, and I can finish almost anything. Dip a turd in white chocolate and I'd have a better chance of making it through that than another one of these. The texture is grainy, with the oats giving off a “wood chip”
vibe, and while the apple flavor does pop through, it’s feels as
though every other ingredient was counter-engineered to eliminate any
trace of deliciousness possible; like they're trying to punish you for wanting to eat right and become a better person. If this is your
thing, great, but personally, I think I'll just stick to Elevation's
protein bars and meal replacement shakes.
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