Friday, May 1, 2020

Larry the Cable Guy Biscuits and Gravy (Dollar Tree)

Of course I didn't get my own pic of this, so here's one is shamelessly stolen from the internet (credit: Kill Pretty Magazine)
Well it’s just not an official trip to a dollar or closeout store if there isn’t at least one Larry the Cable Guy-branded product…a number that will continue to go up as his star value deservedly decreases, and people grow up to realize he’s nothing more than a hack who’s pretending to be someone he isn’t. But hey, it must have been a great ride, making millions by duping people for so long, right?

Anyway, I knew that there was a good chance I would hate this product, which is precisely why I bought it. These were available from Dollar Tree (curiously, only in the biscuits and gravy flavor), and I was actually pretty hungry. Not so hungry that these were actually appealing to me, but hungry enough that I would be willing to shove it down my throat. Sadly, this happened right after I got home.

The prep work is easy: throw it in the microwave for about three minutes, then spread the gravy onto the biscuits, then put back in for about 90 seconds. The problem with spooning the gravy over the biscuits is that the gravy has almost the same consistency as water, so it was impossible to coat the biscuits with the stuff, because it kept just running off. Gross. It also smells nothing at all like either gravy, or sausage, instead kind of resembling a cheap, frozen pasta sauce. Okay, well we’re not off to a good start.

As one would expect, the biscuits are just hard lumps of something that vaguely resemble biscuits…eaten on their own, they taste pretty bad. I have to say that the liquid sauce, which certainly isn’t gravy, and even goes so far as to include lumps of gray things that I am praying to God are sausage chunks (but pretty sure are not given that there’s no “made with real sausage!” reassurance on the outer packaging)* wasn’t as offensive as I was expecting. In no way, shape, or form does it even accidentally taste like sausage gravy--it’s eerily more like a very low-grade Alfredo sauce--but it's much easier to digest than his comedy routine. Now, this isn't to say that it's anything close to “good”, but it's infinitely better than his terrible macaroni and cheese, which is so offensively awful that the FDA should have investigated it and pulled it off the shelves immediately.

I’m also glad I did my good deed for the day, because each purchase donates some of the proceeds to the Larry the Cable Guy Get ‘r Done foundation, which I can only assume teaches kids that all they need is a fake redneck accent, retarded catchphrase, and jokes so bad that no one would even want to steal them, to fool idiots into thinking they are comedians. So my purchase not only adversely affected by health (there’s a whopping 56% daily sodium, and 50% saturated fat, in this dinky little package), but also went toward encouraging idiots like Larry to keep doing what they’re doing. It’s a win-win in my book!

*Supposedly, according to the ingredients, they are real sausage chunks. They just, you know, don’t taste like anything resembling actual sausage.

Overall: 2.5/10. If you’ve ever wanted to pair a low-grade Alfredo sauce, complete with hunks of questionable bits of sausage (that are supposedly real, according to the ingredients, but that don’t taste like sausage at all), then this is the product for you! The “gravy” doesn’t even harden after cooking, so the best way to go about eating it is to roll the hunk of questionable biscuit chunks around in it until they get soggy, then eat them. This was probably an intentional decision by the manufacturer, who know that all true Larry fans combined don’t even have a full set of teeth. Good to see he’s at it again, throwing his name on anything and everything that he can, while still maintaining his image as an elite comedian who would never whore out his name simply to make a few more bucks. At any rate, the fact these were at Dollar Tree is a good sign that his star is finally fading, and that people are on to the manufactured fa├žade of his “humor”. We can only hope.

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