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Just...don't. |
This story begins the way almost all of
mine do: I was at Aldi, and I was in a bind. This time, my grocery
trip was almost done and I was about to head to the line when I
suddenly remembered that I was going to need some dinner items for
the nights my wife was at work. I had made a quick stop and was
running low on time, so I took the lazy way out –a trademark of
mine--and decided to settle for something in the special buy freezer
section. After a couple of passes, I noticed these Whole & Simple
bowls, and noticeably perked up a bit: a salsa verde breakfast
burrito bowl? Now that sounded promising! And into the cart it went.
I’ve tried a couple Whole &
Simple foods before in the past, and remembered liking them quite
well, so despite the ultra-clean packaging—which seems to insinuate
a food that’s too healthy to taste good—I wasn’t really all
that nervous to give it a shot. Especially considering the salsa
verde, which singlehandedly could provide enough flavor to carry an
entire frozen entrée.
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Well, my casual beliefs went
unrewarded, because this somehow manages to be bland as shit. No,
scratch that—shit would actually have flavor, as putrid as it might
be, so this is even blander than shit. Especially for a bowl
packing in a few different ingredients (including chicken sausage),
and the aforementioned salsa verde, which is generally pretty strong
in everything, but inexplicably is only noticed in small bursts here.
And the only reason it's noticed at all is because it imbues
everything with a noticeable touch of heat that's fairly welcome, if
only for the reason it's the only thing that makes me feel something.
In fact, the egg whites themselves just might provide the most
identifiable taste, words that should never be uttered, and that tell
you all you need to know about what a serious misfire this is.
The texture is also pretty weird, given
the addition of actual “whole grains” at the bottom of the bowl,
consisting of buckwheat, red quinoa, steel cut oats, and spelt. These
seem to function as flavor removers, because any hint of possible
tastiness is quelched the moment you get the grain bites, which have
almost the exact same consistency of oatmeal, and the same flavor
profile as water. This weird mushy consistency could easily be
forgiven if it were in a more enjoyable dish; in this tasteless void
of sadness, it just takes everything down a further notch.
If this is a valid example of eating
healthy, then I'd rather load up on delicious taste, and die twenty
years sooner.
Overall: 2/10. Given the addition of
salsa verde, there is no excuse for this bowl to be as tasteless as
it is; the fact that egg whites just might be the most flavorful
thing in here, tells you all you need to know about just how
miserable this is. The texture—think oatmeal only with no sweetness
whatsoever—only manages to take things down another peg, as does
the $2.99 asking price, which is reasonable on paper, but feels like
a gyp when you get a dish with a similar flavor profile to water.
I've never been more thankful to feel a slight touch of heat before,
courtesy of the verde, but that can't come close to saving this bowl,
which tastes like a life completely void of happiness.
I disagree with you 100% I just ate this bowl a breakfast burrito, it was so tasteful it was so fulfilling and absolutely full of nutrition. I don’t know where your taste buds ate but they’re probably closer to the word shit than you realize.
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm well aware my tastebuds aren't up to the high standards of the world elite, something I've referenced in many other articles. Mine are, unfortunately, programmed to detect "flavor" and had a very hard time tasting anything but disappointment in these.
DeleteGlad you disagree, though! I don't doubt it is nutritious because it...tastes nutritious.
I made the mistake of trying this and my dogs won't even eat it.
ReplyDeleteSmart dogs.
DeleteBad review. These things are great. Looking for a recipe
ReplyDeleteWell the ingredients are listed on the package, so that should help. Cook sausage, add to bowl of egg whites, rice, and vegetables, then suck out the flavor until your tastebuds don't even notice you're putting anything in your mouth.
DeleteIf your tastebuds wake up, you've kept too much taste in.