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Kind of looks and tastes like a cheeseburger, but without the soul of a cheeseburger. |
I was inside Dollar Tree, looking for
something quick and convenient, when I finally just opted to grab a
Fast Bites cheeseburger. I’ve had a couple other items from their
lineup before, and found them to be quite hit-or-miss, but for the
price point, there’s not really any sort of heavy risk involved.
After checking out Dollar Tree’s selection, I opted for their
cheeseburger, which I’m not sure I’ve had before.
As with
everything in that line, prepwork is almost too easy: open one end of
the packaging, pop on a microwave-safe plate (or paper towel, or
whatever), and cook for 60 seconds. Once the minute is up, let it sit
for a bit, because this sucker is going to be scalding hot—once it
cools down a bit, it's ready to eat.
I didn't bring any accouterments, so I
instead had to scavenge around the breakroom at work for some kind of
condiment that could liven this up a little bit—thankfully, there
was plenty of ketchup available. I unloaded a packet of ketchup onto
the burger, and dove right in.
Okay, the flavor is actually eerily
similar to that of a flame-broiled patty, which is probably due to
natural flavoring…it’s amazing how accurate synthetic flavors can
be these days. Same with the grill marks, which are obviously added
on afterwards as a way to insinuate that you're eating an actual
piece of food, instead of a mass-produced science experiment.
As usual, it’s the bun that kind of
ruins the whole façade of eating a real burger. It’s not that it’s
super-gross—frozen bread technology has apparently come quite a
ways from even a few years ago—but it’s noticeably tasteless,
with a texture that’s slightly chewier and tougher than a “real”
bun. And no amount of sesame seeds are going to make it seem any more
legitimate. But, I guess that comes with the territory.
Overall, the taste is fairly decent,
and for merely $1 and 80 seconds of microwave time, there’s no
doubting its convenience. But in this day and age, you can get
something that at least tastes better from virtually any fast food
establishment, and for around the same price. It should go without
saying that calorie count is high, and that these aren’t good for
you, but some categories are actually a lot lower than I was
expecting, like there’s “only” 560mg of sodium (24%...I was
expecting closer to the 50% range or even higher). Protein is also
pretty high, at 16g (29%), and 3g of dietary fiber even make an
appearance. (On the flip side, there is 0.5g of trans fat, to go
along with 6g of saturated.)
I don’t think many people purchasing
a sandwich from Dollar Tree—especially one called “Fast Bites”—is
going to expect anything gourmet. Actually, I really don’t even
think people buying these are going to expect anything all that good.
And that’s what they’ll get: a mysterious food-looking item that
looks like a cheeseburger, and tastes like a cheeseburger, but
without the soul of a cheeseburger.
Overall: 5/10. Sometimes, all we’re
looking for is a quick, cheap bite, and Fast Bites—purveyor of all
things fast and cheap—is always at the ready to fulfill those
unlofty demands. Here they serve up a cheeseburger, with the
appropriate look, feel, and taste, but one that lacks any sort of
character. Considering better tasting options are available for
around the same price at virtually every fast food establishment,
there isn't much here to recommend on a consistent basis, but it
fills the void on those days you want something easy, and don't want
to leave the house. Which, come to think of it, pretty much sums me
up every single day.
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